Toilet of the Future
by SkellingtonZero
Summary: Ron buys the latest most advance toilet that muggles have invented. Then gets in a fight with it. funny, silly, mild language, drinking, one-shot, crackish -L


I wrote this after hearing that the toilet of the future will be able to analyze your waste and give you an on-the-spot update on your general health. I also found out that it will be able to tell you when you've had one too many and couldn't help but think "well no one wants that!" And that thought snow-balled into this. –L

Toilet of the Future

When Ron bought the new muggle toilet complete with heated seats, flushes itself, cleans itself and has a built in computer analysis system that analyzes his pee and tells him what he needs to eat more in and less of and also tells him when he's had too much to drink; he only did it because Hermione nagged him until he finally caved. She claimed that since she couldn't be hovering over him all of the time, making sure he was eating right and whatnot that this muggle invention would be right up his alley. He only bought it to shut her up, plus he needed a new one anyway. It accidently broke when he came home pissing drunk one night and broke the lid trying to shut it.

What Ron didn't bargain on was the fact that the toilet really would tell him when he's had enough to drink; then take on the position of his nagging girlfriend. Harry, Hermione and Ron decided to hang out in hit flat to celebrate Harry's new offer to join the Puddlemere United Quidditch team as a seeker-he wasn't sure he wanted to quite being an Auror, but it was exciting to have the offer put on the table and that was a good a reason as any to drink.

After many mixed drinks, shots and toasts, Ron stood drunk off his arse trying really hard to aim into the toilet bowl and the toilet decided now was a good time to lecture him.

_Ronald Weasley you drank an entire twelve pack of beer. _

"FUCKING HELL!" Ron yelped and jumped, missing the bowl for a few seconds before he realized where he was peeing. "Damn toilet…bugger off!" He grumbled and tried to aim correctly again.

_You have had enough to drink. There is a very high concentration of alcohol in your urine. _

"Don't tell me…when I've had enough! You-you bleeding thing."

_Ronald you need to eat some food and drink more water._

"I can drink whatever I like!" He sneered and spat into the bowl. "Ha! Take that, eat…my…spit!" And he made a spit ball and spat it into the toilet.

_Ronald Weasley you've had too much to drink. _

"Fuck off!" He tucked himself back into his pants and glared at the toilet.

_Are you finished? _

Ron scowled and took a step away. "Yeah." He muttered and turned around.

_Ronald Weasley you have had too much to drink. Eat something with complex carbohydrates and are high in protein. _The toilet informed him while closing its lid and flushing itself.

"Oh for fucks sake! Bugger off!"

_You should have bread, crackers, pizza, cheeseburger, fries._

"Shut up you PIECE OF SHIT!" Ron whirled around and kicked the toilet. But nothing happened, it was made of porcelain and he only succeeded in hurting his own foot.

_You also need to drink more water. Two eight fluid ounce bottles along with a cheeseburger and cheesy fries should be good._

Ron's face quickly turned bright red as he hopped on one foot, massaging his bruised toes as he glared at his toilet. "FUCK YOU AND YOUR WATER!" He yelled then stormed out of the bathroom and into the living room where his friends sat, all in a mild alcohol induced stupor.

"Ron…you alright?" Hermione asked, struggling to stand up. She was his girlfriend and usually she would be the one pestering him when he drank too much, for once she was joining in the fun and celebrating and the one time she wasn't bothering him, the toilet took to pestering him. Poor Ron couldn't catch a break.

Ron peered at her for a few seconds before groaning loudly and stomping his foot like a child. "I just got in a fucking fight with my toilet."

Harry raised an eyebrow and took a sip of his beer. "I'm sorry?"

"It's alright…I'm returning that menace." Ron muttered and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator before sitting down on the couch beside Harry.

Hermione eyed her boyfriend as he opened the bottle. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Oh for fucks sake not you too!"

_Toilet of the Future Toilet of the Future _

What do you think?

Reviews are very much appreciated.

All constructive and unconstructive criticism is welcome.


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